lol “why do you press harder on the remote when you know the battery is dead”……lol still do that!
What’s next? James Dobson and science? lol

Comedy that makes sense and is funny at the same time. RIP George.

On capital punishment:

“Ever wonder if they sterilize the needle before a lethal injection?

George Carlin understood the power of words, and the absurd lengths we go to obfuscate their meaning. The greatest frisbeetarian has found his roof. Rest well!

I saw him in concert in West Palm Beach in 74. One thing that he said still sticks with me: “Creativity – Nail two things together that have never been nailed together before.”

There will never be another like him, and his sharp, inciteful humor will live on forever.
Thank you George.

I still love his routine “I’m the Icebox Man.”
his philosophy from that I still adhere to.
“do you ever look in the refrigerator and find an empty plate?… maybe the olives ate the tuna!”

and I also love his later work as an actor.

Could be Meat, Could be Cake…

Here are a few that I’ve collected over the years-
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
-Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Have you ever imagined the world without hypothetical situations?
-You know that indestructable black box on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-Why is it that to shut down windows, you have to press start?
-Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
-Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
-Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
-Why ins’t there mouse flavored cat food?
-If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
-If you take an asian person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
-Is it ok to use the AM radio in the afternoon?
-What do people in China call their good plates?
-What do you call a male ladybug?
-What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
-Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only one bra?
-Why do they call it tourist season if you can’t shoot them?
-Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
-Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
-Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
-Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
-How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
-If the 7-11 is open 24-hours-a-day, 365-days-a-year, why does it have a lock on the door?
-If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
-If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
-If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
-If you are driving at the speed of light and turn your headlights on, what happens?
-Why do they put braille dots on the keypads at drive-up ATMs?
-Why is it when you transport something by car its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?
-Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
-Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
-If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
-Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
-Why is abbreviated such a long word?
-Why is a boxing ring square?
-Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
-Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
-Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
-Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
-If a man is standing in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
-If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
-Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
-If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it considered homeless or naked?
-Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
-How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
-Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people
-Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
-How is it possible to have a civil war?
-If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
-Whose cruel idea was it to for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
-Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
-Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of those ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time… But He loves you!

I remember a joke that had to do with George living in a commune.
He said that he used to “escape” to a little shop near by and “get myself a giant HAMBURGER!!!”

Our “Thinktanks” need more of Carlin’s type. Goodbye to a heralded free thinker.

Carlin was sort of a Zen Master of comedy… his jokes pointed out the hilarious differences between how we think and conceptualize… and what’s *really* going on! I’m sad that he died.

Said in the style of Ted Kennedy at his brother Robert’’s funeral: George was a man who saw a wrong and had to talk about
Saw something contraversal had had to f—- with it.
Perhaps George said it best himself that at a funeral nobody ever says anything bad about the deceased for example:
George he was an a–hole, but a well intending a–hole!

Thank you for sharing some of George’s lines.
I am fifty years old and my mother always loved George Carlin,even with some of the language. A rare fellow he was.

One of his anatomical questions I remember is:

“What are those little lines between your nose and upper lip called?”

I’ll remember more as the day goes on. I’ll be back.

50% of all marriages in the US end in divorce. The other 50% end in death.

Why isn’t the government doing something to stop babies from being born since birth leads to death 100% of the time?

‘An update on the comedian health sweepstakes. I currently lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks 2 to 1. But Richard still leads me 1 to nothing in burning yourself up. See, it happened like this. First Richard had a heart attack. Then I had a heart attack. Then Richard burned himself up. And I said, ‘$@#% that. I’m having another heart attack!’
(George Carlin talking about comparisons between his health and Richard Pryor’s in his 1982 Carnegie Hall Performance)

While George made us laugh on many occasions, I don’t really think he was a comedian. Comedians have one simple job. To make people laugh. George made us bust a gut, but he also got us to thinking, so I see him as more of a philosophical linguist who just happened to be very funny. Thank you for the brain droppings Sir, and I wonder, did the Big Guy’s kid ever bring the porkchops?

RIP George. Say hi to Richard for us.

Carlin could see through a phoney, and their dopey institutions. He had the good fortune to skip HS, and didn’t attend church; or, believe in their BS. Prayer is like waiting for a bus that never comes. It’s all cultural brainwash and he knew it. I’m surprised he lived to be 71.

I’ll miss him. I still miss Lenny Bruce. Too bad about the coke and the heroin. Alcohol was my misfortune. “If the Skeeters don’t get you, the Gators will.” Sanity is a bleep on The Asylum’s radar screen.

joanisenberg

Airline boarding agent: “It’s time to get on the plane now”. Carlin: “F-you, I’m getting IN the plane!”

My mother bought me every George Carlin album when I was growing up. I’ll miss him… One of my favorites:
“If you have 24 odds and ends on the table and 23 of them fall off, what do you have, an odd or an end?”

George Carlin was a man that could take an everyday word and make you go: “What the heck were they thinking when they named that?” We have so few comedians that told it the way Carlin did. His talent will surely be missed and remembered.

Not All of those were Carlins, some are from Steven Wrights original routines, Do your homework.

Why do they call it a near miss? It’s a near hit, A collision would be a “near miss!”

I did like his comments regarding man’s contribution to the world. When man has long been gone and aliens come to visit this place. Why who knows why? They will dig through the dirt and find a layer of plastic. Man will forever be remember as the layer of plastic beneath the earths soil. lol

Q: How can you tell when a moth farts?
A: He flies in a straight line.

Oh come on folks lets all say them together in HIS honor
“1″ “2″ “3″ “4″ “5″ “6″ “7″
We better start looking for the next George Carlin
or we are gonna be really 3′ed.

On aviation:

“Get on the plane? [Forget] you, I’m getting IN the plane!”

Tonights forecast.. dark! and continued dark until morning with widely scattered light.

I hope the line about the black box was misattributed to Carlin, because it’s thoughtless. (The black box often doesn’t survive; if the plane were made the way the black box is, it would be too heavy to fly.)

“Striking dock workers walk out…rescue operations continue.”

Carlin: If you think there is a solution, you are part of the problem.

When did toilet paper become bathroom tissue? I wasn’t sent the memo.

“What’s with all the pre terms? We’d like to pre-board. Well what the hell does that mean, you get on before you get on? Put the Turkey in a pre-heated oven, that’s ridiculous! There are only two states an oven can exist, heated or unheated! Preheated is a meaningless-f**king term”

In other news….A man attempting to walk around the world…DROWNED!

In sports….In a partial score: Red Sox 3….

….and in a wild one, Reds 5, Yankees 3 and White Soxs 2

I’m not sure if I got the teams and the scores right….We’ll miss you George!

I believe it was Carlin who said, “Scientist have discovered that saliva causes cancer. . . . but only when swallowed in small quantities over a long period of time.”

George was an inspiration to me, to find the light in the dark. His attitude towards life as portrayed on stage really helped me rethink my own life, and help me point out the positive to other. For such a bright light to be extinguished in a time when this world needs one the most is a tragedy. However, i will remember him for what he meant to me, and for the laughter he brought to many.

- A.

He was a funny guy and I always enjoyed his jokes. I just wish he would have understood that there is life after death. God is not something that we are brain washed to believe.

Carlin will not be missed.

I love Carlin’s bit about how the word “shell shock” gradually became “post-traumatic-stress-disorder”, as well as his “people I can do without: parents whose children’s first name all start with the same letter…”

Wally, you shouldnt be allowed to talk.

I am young and missed Carlins prime but I love the old recordings of his early stuff. I especially like his bit about the Primative Sgt. Everyone should look it up, its worth your time.

I will miss him.

Sorry Wally, George Carlin will be missed. More so than you I’m sure

George was funny. He was a sad fellow. I saw him at the Hilton in 77. I was bartending and was sitting at the table with a friend. He looked ratther sloppy and perhaps doped up a little. He was quite and seemed shy. I think he needs prepared material to interact socially. Like many comedians, they’re act is their life and confines them because everyone expects them to make you laugh. George struck me as being hampered by expectations from others when I think folks only wanted a simple conversation. He didn’t seen capable. Withdrawn and lost. That is the George you’re glorifying. He was lost. Being confrontational and vulgar didn’t make him a genious Being beligerent towards Christians didn’t make him smart. His truths got him no where, made him money, but made you think?? He was simply angry at hypocritical people. That anger paid off. But the price for him to rant about military and others wasw a dear one. Many died so George could rant on, and many were mislead into the atheist humanist idelology that iooffers you absolutely nothing but sorrow. George was a sad man. No man can do what he did dad after day and not live it. I love his old stuff, and I love him. But I do not glorify many of his ”truths” when it is merely self righteousness. He was a hypocrite, just like YOU! So don’t thank him if he swayed you from the Lord. He was a jokster. Some of you became victims of his ”Truth”.

On Aviation:

“When two planes almost collide, they call it a ‘near miss’. It’s a near hit! A collision is a near miss!”

I’m 50 and first saw George Carlin in concert when I was 18. I had damaged my neck and had a neck brace on and could hardly move. I had the hardest time laughing hysterically, such pain, such pleasure. He was my favourite.

Thank you all for the great gems,many of which I know by heart. Especially Mr. Ulrich, I copied and pasted your excellent list and saved it with Word 2007 to wow my friends with…thank you (but I’ll give the artistry that is Mr. Carlin credit, rest assured)!! I seem to remember something along the lines of, “Why is it OK to p rick your finger but not finger your p rick?”

As for Wally and jim, I consider myself a Christian and God doesn’t want us to be mindless robots, and many of His prophets suffered severe depression and wished for death, and even wished they had not been born…Isaiah is one that immediately springs to mind. Think before you write, and re-read your Bible, these great men, and yes, egads, WOMEN of God questioned him many, many times. What is so wrong with that? If it was as bad as you think, He would have struck them dead straight away according to your narrow view – but He didn’t. I wonder why not? Could it be because He gives us free will and wants us to question Him? The Invisible Man in the Sky is a classic, and it does make one think. Leonard B.

Jim, anyone who was “swayed from the lord” by a man on a stage probly wasnt in to good with the lord anyway. Just as i couldnt be “swayed towards the lord” by any man standing on a stage. Also, try to remember that when you saw him back in ‘77, he probly was doped up more then a little, which im assuming lead to your presumption that he was incapable of a normal life, and “lost”. From my understanding, he has lead a wonderful life with a wonderful family. His act was never made to sway anyone one way or another, his act was purely designed to make you think about life in your own way, be your own person and to actually live your life and be happy. Not to worry about every little thing, and what anybody else thinks. The greatest gift Mr. Carlin gave to me was to think for myself, and be damned those who judge me.
Side note: Your (poor) judgment of Mr. Carlin leads me to beleive that you, whether you want to believe it or not, probly arent to high up in “the lords” graces either. Its not your place to judge or condemn.

he never beleaved in this global warning crap eather. Like he said, the earth is 4 billion years old and your worried about the last 20 years on record???

George was great, and I’m not the least bit worried about his soul. If there is a heaven, I’m sure God is messing with him about his sacreligious musings and having a laugh. God has to love comedians most of all. Just look at all the material he gave them when he created man.
I find it so funny that some Christians get so upset when someone questions the existance of God, but they expect EVERYONE to respect THEIR beliefs.
George Carlin WILL be missed! I don’t know if there is a heaven, but I’m sure God would rather spend eternity with another creative being who makes him laugh. I can’t accept a creator of the universe who would be less forgiving than I would. That’s the reason I don’t believe in the man-made religions. How can I be more forgiving than God? And now some Christian is gonna tell me I’ll burn in hell. It’s that attitude that drives people like George Carlin and myself from religion. Not comedians.

Jim, sorry but you are surely more misled than any of us or dear George. He did exactly the opposite of you and questioned authority and popular thought as we all should do all the time.

And I find it very disturbing that you would make the statements you made without ever meeting the man face to face. He may have had his faults but he was much more of a human being than you appear to be and I would rather have had a silent drink across from George Carlin than to hear you spout your religious drivel all night. Take a lesson from Carlin and question your beliefs and views constantly. Keeps you sharp.

You religious folk sure love to take things personally. You need to remember one of the two rules of the “Revised” Testament, brought to you by Mr. Carlin.

Keep your religion to yourself….

we are all victims of the truth, we are all hyprocrites and if he made us laugh and cope with it all, then thank goodness.

How about his take on organized religion.Something to the effectof:”They would have us believe there’s a white man with a long beard up there writing down everything we do in a notebook.Screw up one time, and you go straight to hell. And I do it because I love you”.

Why is it when someone famous dies and many people try to pay tribute to their life and what they stood for, you have one a**hole that has to put in his two bits on what that person did wrong?

True Christians DO NOT JUDGE! Leave George Carlin to Rest in Peace. If you have nothing nice to say, keep your mouth shut. No one wants to read this kind of crap.

He was a fantastic comedian that made us think. He will be truely missed. No one else comes out and tells it like it is. He was one of a kind.

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” Just because it sounds clever, doesn’t mean it is. Meteorologists do not predict “light” and “dark”. I find nothing funny about his ignornace. Now some silly blog calls him a “scientist” posthumously. Not funny.

great stuff!

the interstate was the site of a freak accident today . . . when 3 freaks in a van hot 2 freaks in a bus

Very insightful Bartender Jim. You really know George asue you served him a drink once. It’s not very Christian of you to be passing judgement on him no is it? I dont think you give people enough credit. There is no doubt that Carlin was the best at what he did. I highly doubt that people abandoned their respective religion because of him however.

I pray to Joe Pesci! He gets things done.

Hey Jim, do you know what self-righteousness means?

quite a commentary for seeing him in a bar one night….sloppy and doped up you say?…if I had a nickel…..

Somewhere between New Hampshire – Live Free or Die and Idaho -Famous Potatoes… lies the truth

My favorites:

I love his routine about Shellshock. WWI – Shellshock; WWII – Battle Fatigue; Korea – Operational Exhaustion; Vietnam – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The planet is fine. The people are f******.
Regarding the near hit/near miss. A collision is a near miss. Oh, look, they nearly missed . . . but not quite!
Dad, you really ought to drink more.
Remember when we used to tell the children not to play on the railroad tracks?
I love his routine on where to build prisons . . . it will be a crime-free area. So what if some bust out. What are they going to do? Hang around? Check real estate prices? They’re gone! That’s the point of busting out of prison, to get the hell away!
On legally drunk . . . if it’s legal, what’s the problem? Leave my friend alone, Officer. He’s legally drunk!

jim – if you’re so insightful, why were you a bartender?

chris – you sound like a ball of fun.

RIP george. pointing out life’s absurdities gave millions pleasure and made you comfortable. if only everyone could see that what you did wasn’t meant to be taken as law…

I really didn’t think George’s death tribute was about science and or faith..but i see some have drumed this up……In regards to Jim’s comment -I didn’t see it as an attack on Geroge but an enlightment to realize he was no bigger than us in the scheeme of things…he suffered emotionally, he stuggled spiritually…..and we are left behind try to make sense of his life and purpose…and I just can’t see George being acceptable of the notion of being made greater than he was….once again..he tried to make us think…
From my take, in faith..even at that last moment one has an opportunity to ’see the light’. ‘ask for forgiveness which none of escape’ and move into God’s grace….who are we to say he didn’t. It’s my hope he did. Does that mean one should wait to the end, not necessarily because so much joy is lost…but that is part of the relationship with our God and everything in his timing.
So from my persepctive, I wish George rest in peace.

Sure is funny how the good Christian folk conveniently forget that one part of the bible that says “Judge not, lest ye be judged”. Oh well, perfection has it’s price – maybe the price is early onset Alzheimer’s.

I don’t think George did much judging per se, but he sure poked a lot of holes in the wind bags. I still remember most of his Hippy Dippy Weatherman skits – I think they were on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In. too bad we didn’t have video back then – they were priceless.

In the words of Meathead from “All in the Family”: “Thank god I’m an atheist.”

Carlin had a gift for provoking introspection, without which hypocrisy would remain unchallenged. Apparently his gift will continue to bear fruit even after his demise. I suspect he’d be amused at that.

i think it was george – the cheer that began with “rat sh*, bat sh* …” absolutely made my eys water i laughed so hard. it wasn’t so much the words as it was the image he created and his personality that made this and so many of his bits funny.

Loved his bit on survival of the fittest and the subsequent pussification of America. It makes so much sense. Carlin was scientific in the sense that he often used scientific reasoning. None of the kids from his neighborhood got Polio. They swam in the Hudson River. Hilarious!

Chris – Carlin was a scientist in his own way as many people are. And keep in mind that you are sitting here reading this “Silly Blog”The fact that you are finding fault with something he said that got a laugh out of millions of people (cause at that time Meterologists said some pretty asurb things) leads me to believe that you truly aren’t capable of grasping this mans true humor and logic. By the way, make sure you get tickets to the next rain event will you?

Jim – It’s sad that you make your assumptions and allegations based on a chance meeting one time. If you truly knew anything about George at all, you’d realize the true genius of his comedic logic. He took illogical situations that happen everday and made us think about them and be able to laugh at the sheer absurdness of them.

Wally – Carlin will be missed more than you will ever know.

Shell Shock…Battle Fatigue….Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Classic Carlin right there. It would take too much to type it all out, but Carlin fans will recognize it immediately.

RIP George

How about “fon don’t” for people that don’t like cheese?

“SOMEONE’S GOT THE BLUE FOOD!!!”

America misses him, one of the funniest men whoever lived, RIP George Carlin

Someone Staying Somewhere Suddenly Started Saying Something Shockingly Strange!

the xians in this thread make me lol out loud.

you’re missed, mr. carlin.

Salute, George. If there is reincarnation, I hope you don’t come back as a plant on the back of a toilet. You made me think, and laugh, and then think again. Thank you.

The Comedy Channel on XM Radio replayed a “Director’s Cut” of the Unmasked show with George. It didn’t have any of his bits, but he and Sonny Fox talked about where he came from and the inspiration for most of his routines. A really great show.

I was shocked to hear that he died and will miss him, even though he went over the edge sometimes (but who amongst us hasn’t).

I haven’t seen this line and can’t be sure if it was George or not, but it is definitely in his style:
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but don’t pick your friend’s nose!

*Thou shall try really hard not to kill anyone, unless he prays to a different invisible man than you

*Have you heard of the new restaurant they are opening for buelimcs? It’s called the Scarf and Barf. They were going to call it the Fork and Bucket…thank god good taste prevailed

I always enjoyed listening to George. I have had his 7 words memorized (in correct order) since the first time I listened to them. I believe that he was one of the more profound comedians alive, and no one will ever be able to duplicate his act. He made people think. He made people laugh. To those people condemning him because of your religious belifs, he didn’t give two ****s and a **** that you were offended by him. The fact that you were offended by him made him that much more influential, because how could you be offended if you didn’t listen to him. He said it best “Words can’t hurt you.” Maybe, to those that are offended by what he said need to look at themselves and reevaluate their lives, because there is nothing sadder than trying to put to blame your insecurities on other people.